It’s usually on the Food Network*

I just switched inputs– from PC to cable– and some bull-riding competition was being shown. Because it was a sports channel. Which means the last time I was watching television? Was for Game 3 of the NHL finals. IN MAY.

*Or one of the Discovery channels. Or Comedy Central. And my tolerance for this thing spans about 10 minutes. If it weren’t for movies, this sucker would be permanently turned off. Ridiculous.

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I mean, in a *good* way, though

My sister’s boyfriend is buying her white Prius from her, and my mom is giving my sister her blue Prius.

My sister and her boyfriend are going to have matching cars. Parked next to each other in the driveway of their house. Matching, environmentally-friendly cars in sunny San Diego. And they’re both civil engineers.

It’s so damned cheesy and cute, I could puke.

Heh. Double entendres.

It feels kind of lame to be calling it a night at 11:30 p.m. until I
remember that we started drinking, like, around 4. And that I was
officially blitzed by 5:30.

Target had these really ridiculous drinking vessels (they’re not really
glasses if they’re made out of plastic, are they?) on sale. And glass
bottles at Sam Boyd are strictly forboden, so we needed cups.

In case you’re wondering, that sucker holds two full bottles of Smirnoff Ice.

And also, I got to drive someone else’s stick shift this weekend, and I
did a pretty *damned* good job of it, all things considered.

The puberty rule most definitely still applies

I was digging through one of the many old boxes in the closet of my old bedroom earlier this week and stumbled across a couple of notebooks. Among other things, in them was a folded sheet of paper from 8th grade. This was written on the back side:

HSR:

Never date a guy who:

  • is in band
  • is on the swim team
  • doesn’t have hair on his legs
  • is on the baseball team
  • has a squeaky voice
  • hasn’t hit puberty yet
  • doesn’t have a mind of his own
  • is totally oblivious to you
  • is a golfer (major)


"YES" sports

football (?)
track
tennis
volleyball
soccer
basketball (???)

I don’t know what "HSR" means, but it was underlined twice and written in really big letters, so clearly it stands for something important. "High School Rules," maybe?

I read this and wanted to die out of embarrassment. "Never date a guy who hasn’t hit puberty yet." I mean, WOW. At 12 years old, I was already setting the bar pretty high for myself. And what’s with the sports preferences? Not to mention the elimination of band dudes. NOT TO MENTION I don’t think I’d even been at GJHS for a full calendar year at the time. What the fuck was I basing all of these dating rules *on*?

But maybe the best, best part is at the bottom of the page:

skaters = ?
previous drug user but no longer = ?
guys you don’t know = ?

Seriously? "Drug user"? OKAY THEN.

Hands down, this one was our favorite to practice

To the person looking for the chocolate song lyrics? I don’t know what the song is actually called, nor do I know its author’s name. I don’t even remember the whole song– it was just one of the many songs we learned when I was in fourth grade, under the guidance and direction of our music teacher, Mrs. Fleming.

But! This is as much as I do remember (15 years later!):

I used to think that mousse was an animal
Rocky Road was just a rough place to ride
Black Forest was somewhere very far away
And Chip was a good friend of mine

Now I’ve developed quite a craving
And you’ll always hear me raving
‘Bout a certain food that’s high in calories
Don’t even try to guess
‘Cause it’s time that I confess
That something’s really got a hold on me

Chocolate! Give me chocolate!
I’ll eat it in a shake or a German chocolate cake
Chocolate! Give me chocolate!
Now: tell me the truth
Did *you* eat my Baby Ruth?

There was a second verse about not being able to sleep… counting sheep with M&M eyes… I don’t remember anything else, though.

Hope that helps!