It stammers / my name is sea

Here surrounding the island,
There’s sea.
But what sea?
It’s always overflowing.
Says yes,
Then no,
Then no again,
And no;
Says yes
In blue
In sea spray
Raging,
Says no
And no again.
It can’t be still. (Neruda, "Ode to the Sea")

Yes. No. I don’t know. Yes. Yes! Yes— or no? No. Maybe no.

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I will probably be getting on a plane for nowhere in particular this weekend, though

I’m kind of proud of myself. This weekend ended up being something of a
trial for me, a pretty big strain on my mental and emotional
resources– and by last night, I was ready to book it. Anywhere.
Anywhere but here. It’s a habit long ingrained into my system, and when
I’m in that mode (with a newly filled tank of gas, to boot), it usually
spells trouble. Responsibilities be damned, if I don’t get out of town,
I’m bound to fall apart.

I was actually calculating driving distances and times to the closest
out-of-state cities. Cedar City and Phoenix were at the top of the list
and were actually feasible destinations considering I had a good 11
hours before I had to be at work.

Anyway. I ended up *not* driving anywhere and just steeling myself
through the mood and through the night. Without having to resort to
driving. Without having to call up people to see if I could stay at
their place that night because I couldn’t handle being by myself.

And this morning? This morning turned out to be *fantastic.* And the
rest of the day was really good, too. And tonight I managed to round up
some girlfriends (whom I have not seen in *weeks*) for Happy Hour! So,
I don’t know. Yay growth, or something.

Tidbits while I busy myself on social networking sites

T-Rex offers replies to being dumped:

"Would you also break up with a rocket skateboard? BECAUSE THOSE WOULD BE GREAT. LIKE ME. I AM GREAT."

*****

I have had this song stuck in my head for five days. Also, this one. I am seriously not a country music girl, but, crap, they’re catchy.

*****

I was actually going to just end it with all that, but I just checked xkcd and this one was posted and, double crap, that’s poignant. And the alt-text– "You make forgetting look so easy"– oh!

You can feel their malice when they blow, no joke

Disneyland was fantastic. I’d like to write about it tonight, but I’ve got to take a nap, and with me, naps are just a gateway drug that transitions into full-on zonked-out. I have pictures up on Flickr— about 150, if I remember correctly. Will I be too lazy to even link to the Flickr set? At this point, I seriously couldn’t tell you. Probably not. But sometimes I underestimate how easy it is to beg off. Even this. I’m ready to quit this here post and hightail it for the heap of blankets on my bed.

We were outdoors all Sunday, from late morning to midnight. Which means we were inhaling dust and ashes for 14 hours. I was sick Monday, then worked 12 hours yesterday and today, and 12-hour days will probably start to be regular (if not easy) components of my work life. Not that I’m complaining– I love being busy and feeling moderately productive with my time– but, hot diggity damn, I’ve been exhausted all week.

I’m sure you’re probably tired of hearing about the wildfires in Southern CA, probably tired of reading everyone posting well wishes and anxious hopes and whatnot for everyone who lives there because everyone everywhere knows *someone* in SoCal and so on and so on– but, oh, those Santa Ana winds rattled me on Sunday. And that burning smell– I always think back to the fires in San Diego in late 2003, when the sky was a thick haze of greyish-orange for days and the ashes wouldn’t stop falling from the skies. I would leave my house (blatantly ignoring the health advisories because I was just so sick of being stuck indoors) and walk on the beach and get chills looking at the sooty flakes drifting down, down. What were they before? Someone’s house? Car? Treasured memories and possessions? Or even worse–?

October was a good month, but I think I will be a little relieved when November gets here.

Retraction

I publicly declare that I was singing, wilfully and pleasantly, along to country music last night. LeAnn Rimes and Taylor Swift. And that I included myself in the singing of the chorus of one of those songs out loud up and down Ventura Blvd.

It feels weird to not be the one driving

We are in the car driving through Victorville. Today was a great morning that turned into a horrible afternoon that turned into a terrible evening that is turning into a good, good night. I ended up bawling, unexpectedly, all the way to and through Baker and then some. But things are okay now. It’s been a difficult last couple of days.

I think it’s a little ironic that this little car was holding so much unhappiness on its way to the happiest place on earth, excluding Florida. But that’s where we are heading and despite the general crappiness of the last 10 hours, we are both confident that the next two days will be fantastic. Because we are both fantastic.

I’ll probably be uploading pictures on Flickr throughout the weekend. In the meantime, I’ve got nothin’ better to do than learn the words to this confounded LeAnn Rimes song that is on endless repeat. So, yeah.