So, I caught it. I freaked out the whole time, and let me tell you, it was a LOT of freaking out, but, it’s in a jar now. The spider is in the jar and it cannot climb out because it is not like an ant or a gecko. BUT NOW WHAT?

Internet, I am hugely conflicted over this. I am really, really distressed about this. With crickets, I always catch them and put them back outside. It’s cool, crickets are harmless and if anything, a bird can eat it. But this? I don’t know what to do with this! I can’t put it outside because it’s a SPIDER that might be POISONOUS and shit, what if it’s PREGNANT? Letting it go outside will result in MILLIONS OF POISONOUS SPIDER BABIES, ALL IN THE VICINITY OF MY RESIDENCE. This, this not an option.

Neither, however, is killing it. I can’t smoosh it because that’s disgusting, it’s way too big for that. I don’t want to spray it because I did that once to an insect and saw it shudder and convulse, and it traumatized me enough that I can’t do it anymore. And I have found out, twice now, that I can’t suffocate it. Here’s a Science Friday Fun Fact! After about 30 seconds in a jar with a screwed-on lid, this spider started to curl itself up and stop moving. My freaked-out self, upon observing this, freaked out EVEN MORE and hurriedly opened the lid to give it fresh oxygen. My bleeding heart can’t handle the thought of it suffering a slow, drawn-out death. Fuck, man.

And MORE THAN THIS, I do not want to keep it. I am not a spider-as-a-pet keeping sort. I *think* I need a lizard, or whatever the hell else eats spiders, spiders that are poisonous and oh god possibly knocked up. Maybe I’ll call Petsmart tomorrow and see if they want a free lizard snack.

Anyway, this is why it is 9 p.m. and I am still not even showered, much less ready to get out the door. I am not too thrilled about leaving this spider alone. I’ve actually been carrying it from room to room with me, just to keep an eye on it and make sure it doesn’t escape its jar, and I’ve got to tell you: I don’t know what’s worse, imagining coming home and finding a huge dead balled-up spider or finding an EMPTY JAR. Shit. Shit shit shit.



  1. just put the spider outside. 99% of spiders are not poisonous and they do tremendous good in your yard catching and eating flies and other insects. true.

  2. See? That’s why I don’t want to kill it! And that whole spiders were here first, HUMANS are the ones invading the SPIDERS’ residence, etc. thing.
    But it’s a brown recluse. It is going to try and kill me. It and its hypothetical babies.

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