All I really want is to see them do the Flying V and then have everyone in the stands start chanting, “QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!”

A Pep Talk For The Ducks As They Go Into The 5th Game Of The 2007 NHL Stanley Cup Finals, Given By Someone Whose Familiarity Of Ice Hockey Is Limited To Two Disney Movies:

Okay, Ducks. I know it’s been tough on you ever since Coach Bombay disappeared, but I’m real proud of how you boys have fought your way to the top of the league this year. And when I say "you boys," I mean that, I’m not going to make any absurd claims that your team’s successes are in any way due to particular individuals, though this is admittedly because I don’t know who any of you are, individually. You just move too quickly when you’re on the ice and the camera doesn’t keep up very well, and also there aren’t a lot of close-ups or zooming going on, so I can’t read the names on your shirts. And also I guess there’s a lot of "switching up" happening during the game since only five of you can be on the ice at any given time (well, five plus the goalie, which makes six, but the goalie apparently isn’t included and this confused me for a long time when I was told that there were only five of you in play but then I counted the jerseys on the ice and found *six*), only I don’t know when this "switching up" takes place, so maybe there’s no point in trying to identify you guys anyway. I know Charlie Conway used to be a Duck, but I guess he quit ice hockey altogether when he went to go seduce that schoolteacher on "Dawson’s Creek."

All right, this isn’t entirely true. I know the goalie’s name is Giguerre, but only because he’s the only jersey out there that stays still long enough for me to make out the letters on it. And also he’s pretty much on the ice all the time. But I don’t know which one of you is Giguerre.

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